Thursday, May 9, 2013

#1; Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is mystery;

I'm not really into blogging. I was, long ago. But right now, I just feel like sharing this with you readers.

I had my first love when I was 16. I was too young to even know the real meaning of love. But I just knew that, it was. This guy, let's call him S, was in the same class as me for a year. We were 15 then. We were so close that people always thought that he was my someone special. He was my very first guy best friend. I loved him so much. I really did.

A year later, we were placed in different classes. We didn't have much time for each other like before but one day, I decided to text him and tell him how I really feel about our friendship. I told him how much I missed him and the times we used to spend with each other. I was so happy when he told me that he missed me too. He apologized for being so busy and not having the time to spend with me.

Since then, I realized that my love for him was not only because he was my best friend. I knew, that deep in my heart, I really did have feelings for him. Although at first I thought I could keep it to myself,  I guess I thought wrong. Things started changing and my feelings were too strong to hide so I told a close friend, W, who was my other best friend also S's classmate.

I guess W could not stand the fact that I was watching him(S) from afar so being the smart-ass, he told S. It was suppose to be confidential but this idiot blew my cover. Never felt so embarrassed in my whole life but then again, things went better than how I visualized it would be. After a few days, S asked me to be his girlfriend! I was over the moon, not to mention the fact that I blushed like a maniac which was I guess "cute". Haha, oh well.. I never thought this day would come and being able to experience it was a bliss. Deep down, I knew he was the one, my knight in shining armor, my Romeo. Well, at least that was what I thought, then, it happened... THE BREAK UP.

A few months later, he was accepted to a fully-sponsored boarding school somewhere in Malacca. Honestly, I was really upset that he was leaving but I knew this was the best for him and that this was his future. I mean I did not want to be that clingy girlfriend that most of  my friends always made fun off but yeah, I was definitely happy and proud of him! What troubled me was that, I was afraid. Afraid that he might find a better person. Someone who is closer to him. As a girl, I guess it's normal to be insecure but this really bothered me. Then I thought to myself, a relationship is based on trust and that I should not doubt him. So, I trusted him because if our love was strong, he would not cheat on me and neither would I cheat on him.

LDR. Three letter with so many meanings. Three letters that gave me hope and despair. I thought I could deal with it but again, I was wrong. Our relationship ended. Just like that. Till today I am still unsure about why the break up happened. I loved him with all my heart but I guess he didn't feel it anymore. 4 lovely months of my life crashed right in front of my eye. This cunt left me hanging just like that. The amount of tears i shed throughout the 2 years of the "getting over him" period was unbearable. It broke my heart because I really did thought he was the...ONE.

In July 2012, after a long wait, I got an offer letter to further my studies in Malacca. On that day, I vowed to move on and let bygones be bygones. Orientation was going really well until one day:
  1. One of my group mentees introduced herself as A and surprisingly, she went to the same boarding school as S and worse, yes, she knows S
  2. One of the students here looks exactly like S
  3. One of the lecturers was from S's boarding school teacher

Now tell me, HOW CAN I MOVE ON?

When midnight came, i started reminiscing about the past and tears stream down my cheek. The heartache, yeah, it was never gone. I developed this hatred towards S for leaving me in that manner because if he was mature enough, I would not be here suffering. I was all alone but thankfully God gave me strength. That night, I knew I must stop living under his shadow and that I should start showing the world what I have to offer but there was one thing that I was sure about, that is, I would NEVER love another man as much as I loved him.

Last semester break, I came across a song that reminded me of him and I immediately grabbed my phone and sent him a text. I was being delusional, too caught up in the moment that I asked him, "can we get back together again?", I cannot recall his answer but what I remembered was that his first reply was, "No. Maybe not now or in the future (Or at least something like that)." My heart ache and the pain came rushing in again. Since then, I stopped hoping that things would patch up and this time I sternly told myself to move on. For REAL. Then it hit me! I am the dumb one here. I could let go but I didn't want to. Why? Because I didn't want to forget about him. I missed how closed we were before this stupid relationship and I regret every move I did afterwards. Had I known this earlier, I wouldn't have accepted him as my boyfriend and now because I did, I lost him. It was not about loving him, it was about loving our friendship. But it is too late now. It happened and HE IS GONE.


6 months passed by... and after undergoing the surgery (I was 2 weeks late for college due to extended MC), I met somebody who changed my life. I've known him since last semester but I only got to know him personally this semester. Truth be told,  the first time I saw him, I knew he had heart of gold. His face says it all. I feel comfortable around him. And alhamdulillah, everything is perfectly perfect whenever I'm near him; He taught me new things, supports me, treats me like a princess, a very patient person especially when I'm being the crazy woman, never fight or talk back when I yell or shout at him for no apparent reason, and most importantly, he allows me take as long as I need to get over S. He cares about my happiness, so I do not go through the heart ache anymore. I'm glad I met him and got the chance to know him better. This time, I know he's the one for me and he gave me faith in believing that happy ever after to exist.

After what I've gone through, I've promised myself not to fall in love with my best friend. EVER. AGAIN. I'd rather have him as my crush than losing him as a friend. To me, knowing that we're still able to communicate and interact with one another is the most important thing.

So dear S, I may have lost you as a lover and a best friend, but just so you know, I'll always be here for you if you need anything; a friend to talk to, a friend to share your problems with just like how we use to be. But honestly, I don't know what I'd do if we happen to bump into each other ever again... I don't blame you for what you had done to me but I hope I was the first and last girl you'll ever hurt. I wish you the best for your new love life and do take care of her just like how you love your mum (if you know what I mean).